Urban observations: Catcalling and other signs of a retarded mind.

So, the last week or so, I have repeatedly observed some of the most "what the fuck?" behavior that exists in the NYC urban landscape.

Some call it catcalling, I call it retardhissing. In this short space of time, I have encountered 3 varieties (for the record, I have neither been in the receiving nor the retarded end of this phenomenon, but thanks for asking), and I shall here list and translate these, for the anthropological value it might have for some.

The scenario is as follows: Woman walks past idiot dude:

1) "Ss-ss-ss-ss-ss!"

Translation: "I'z the snakez of luvz!! Hizz hizz hizz!"

2) "Psht!"

Translation: "I'z a bottl full o'luvz, and I just popped, baby! PSHT!"

3) "Uuurrhggh (mumbling) qwa-qwa-qwa.. Uuuurrrrrhh baby goan gimme some uuuuaarrhhhhhgggg I like yeeeeaaahh.. Uuurggghhmmmmporrrr!"

Translation: "I am literally the grossest person in the world, and I smell like someone ate a bunch of shit and then vomited all over me, and that is not a coincidence. Do you have a towel?"

The worst thing though, is that this is like spam and Nigerian scam letters: If nobody fell for it, it wouldn't happen! People still buy Viagra off spam e-mail! They still buy natural male enhancement with herbs! They send millions of dollars to someone in Nigeria who promises to finally unfreeze that account with money from the ministry of mines! This would not happen if some idiot didn't take the bait!

Which means that somewhere out there, at least one woman is flattered and turned on by the sensual moaning of a guy in the subway who is pooping and masturbating at the same time. THAT is the worst thing!

In fact, speaking of pseudo-linguistics of the streets, there is this weird-as-fuck guy standing outside of Appletree, high as hell on crack, looking around all paranoid and shaky, asking for money. Or at least that is what I assume he is doing, since he is not really expressing himself in actual sentences. Anyway, whenever I go out of the store, here is what he says:

1) "Suh, foo!"

Translation: "Good sir! I just smoked some crack! It makes total sense for you to give me money! It is a great investment in both your own future, and mine! I deserve your money, for I am the creepy Appletree speech impediment dude!"

2) "Wuh-huh, bruh!"

Translation: "I will surely use your hard-earned money on something sensible that is of value to society at large, and also of great health value for myself."

3) "Huh, looh! Rooh-uhn huh! Khhkkuuhr! Wahrm! Qwa-qwa-qwa!"

Translation: "I have like 16 children. Indeed, I diversify my investments. You know me, I'm the snake of love!"

I just can't fucking stand it! I'm only trying to buy myself some groceries! I will not fund your crack habit! Why are you doing this to yourself??

So yeah, that was my rant.