"Warning: Emus can and will attack if provoked." Thor's weekend revisited.

After a Friday of Happy-Houring with Ingrid, Divya and Andrea, I went to New York on Saturday and found my new apartment. Then I saw a cool band play down in Chinatown while waiting for the bus. The bus was half an hour late, of course, but to comfort us disgruntled passengers, the bus company offered a delicious treat of Chinese candy, which offered the same exhilarating, tingling burst of flavor as eating an old newspaper, only without the nutritional value it offers. Mmmm, the sweet taste of actual Communism.

Also, my intended visit with Robbie in Baltimore didn't work out - he is busy working. Exactly what he's working on I'll let remain a secret, but let's just say that Baltimore is the nation's Syphilis capital, and he is out to change that. "So what do you find so interesting with politics and culture," he rightly asked, after telling me about filling up a lab with syphilis-infested urine and blood.



Anyway, so instead, Katy - my good friend who works at the Smithsonian Mag - and I went to the Zoo, in search of adventure, suspense - and Panda bears. The lion, which had just escaped from its cage, went on to eat two local musicians, the construction worker from the Village People, an abstract painting, a pair of scissors, a new piece of construction paper, and Roger Moore's soul. Anyway, here are some of the wild animals we saw!

Katy made a funny joke about this Gorilla. I will not repeat it, but it was pretty funny (and true.) Anyway, it was just sitting around, trying to avoid the rather scorching heat and playing a little bit with its "parts." Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Mooning is a sign of respect among Orangutan (lat. Pongo Pygmaeus.) Actually, Oran Gutan is French, and means "He who flaunts his hairy ass".

Don't judge it, the Prairie Dog is just doing its thing!

Hooray Ant Eater! Every day I am grateful that I am not an ant.

It's a sting ray! It didn't sting much, though, and it wasn't at all like the combination of Sting and Ray Charles I had imagined.

Look! It's two seals struttin' their stuff! And not a baseball bat in sight: See, Giorgi, not all Norwegians club seals!
Just like the Panda bears are leased from the Chinese government, this charming fellow is leased by the Japanese government. Initially it was going to be traded for Barry Bonds.

It's an owl! Look at how wise it looks! Hooray Owl!

The world's loudest bird! Seriously, it was like a fire engine sneaking up behind you and suddenly starting its siren. It also has a huge tail feather. Katy and I agreed that it was really impractical but probably sexy, kind of like a boob job for birds.

And there it is! It's a Panda Bear! It is possibly the world's most famous Panda Bear at that, and the cub just turned a year old.

If you are anything like me, then the first thing you think of when you see a new animal is: "Hm, I wonder what its sex life is like!" Well, most people have probably heard of Pandas, who are quite frankly rather slow at getting it on (then again, if you had a hundred six-year-olds with sno-cones watching you all the time, you might also find yourself reading a book instead of having freaky sex.)

Also, this is the funniest thing: I googled it, and this is a quote that came up, FROM OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB, no less:

"If your body hasn't been called "perky" since Gymboree, in fantasy you can give yourself permission to swing naked from a crystal chandelier. If the phrase "Okay, honey, this time you be the panda bear and I'll be the ambassador to China" has never passed your lips, in fantasy you can give it a whirl."

So yeah, try that the next time.

Look, it's a Giraffe! That is a very tall animal, but don't ever give it potato chips. You've been warned.

So Emus are probably the most evil-looking and ominous creatures ever invented. If satan has a bird cage, I'm sure it's full of Emus. It is truly the Dick Cheney of birds.

So yeah, that was my day at the zoo. Afterwards we got ridiculously bad service at a restaurant, and then I went home and had a swim. This week, it's gonna be Happy Hour with Casper and Guro on Monday, and then a ten-day visit from a certain JOHNNIE starting Thursday, which should be awesome!