4th of July madness (also, see post below for the rest of my successful media saturation strategy for this week.)

So, for the 4th of July, I did the most weird and random thing ever, and went to Coney Island for a hotdog eating contest! This is, apparently, a proud American 4th of July tradition, and what better date to celebrate the virtue of gluttonous over-eating; a hotdog hubris!

Either way, I joined a bunch of friends - Emem, Brian, Ben, Megan and JD - and we went out to Coney Island (I think I'll do a post just for that weird-ass place) to witness the epic battle between Competitive Eating heavyweights, Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. Kobayashi was injured, apparently, and could open his mouth less than an inch. However, on game day, he got his act together, and faced his greatest opponent so far, young Joey Chestnut from California. It was the clash of titans, but one of them was destined to win.

Essentially, competitive eating is the most disgusting thing in the world, not only on the larger political perspective, but also from a physiological point of view. The whole point is to eat (and by "eat", I mean "stuff down one's throat, and then wiggle your body to make the food sink and compact in your stomach") as many hotdogs with buns as possible in a 12 minute period, without throwing up.

"Nathan's", which is a hotdog restaurant chain in the U.S., sponsors the event, which has been held here for almost a century.

It draws a ridiculously huge crowd, but we were fortunate enough to find a pretty good spot, not too far from the eaters.

Ben and I even went to sample some of Nathan's merchandise, and I have to say, it's not bad stuff. (Damn that Asian lady who always sneaks into my pictures! Who are you? What do you want? Tell me! TELL ME!!)

This is where the magic of hotdog eating in America started. Perhaps. I don't really know.

Of course, a contest like this - and rightfully so, I have to say - does attract protesters against animal cruelty. I'm sure one can argue that these hotdogs probably have a very neglible amount of actual animal content, but that is not the point. The point is that a bunch of animal rights activists set up camp in the middle of the crowd, with huge posters blocking everyone's views.

Now, New Yorkers are usually very decent and fantastic people. However, when someone holds up posters that block one's view of a hotdog eating contest, tempers run hot and liberal verbal exchanges of fuck-words ensue. Eventually, someone - quite possibly the mean-looking dude in the middle of the picture - walked up to them and just threw their posters away, leading to a mild brawl and police coming to the scene. I mean, I am all for their cause - animal cruelty is, of course, horrible - but this was perhaps not the exact spot one should wave their posters.

Anyway, we didn't care - Brian and I were super excited as you can see to be at our first competitive eating event! Ben kind of gazes into the distance. A majestic, enigmatic gaze, that women find so irresistible, and animals find so intimidating.

Anyway, after a long introduction by an MC wearing a suit and a straw hat (seriously, he was himself totally worth the trip out to Coney Island from Manhattan - he probably possesses the weirdest and funniest sense of humor I have ever encountered. Our favorite quote of the day: "(Some contender) is a nice guy.. He has a bicycle pump in his garage, which he uses to pump up the bicycles of friends and family.." Like, what the fuck??) the contenders for this most prestigious of competitive eating events lined up, ready to take on their hotdogs.

The excitement was crazy! The crowd was bezonkers! Chestnut started out with a frenzied speed, with Kobayashi struggling to keep up. They pushed fucking hotdogs down their throats like there was no fucking tomorrow. They were animals, fighting an ancient god, fighting the impulses of the dawn of mankind. 20 hotdogs. 30 hotdogs. Chestnut starts slowing down. Kobayashi, the Japanese half-God of hotdog eating, keeps a steady pace, and GLURGLP, he is ahead! Fucking shit!

But Chestnut does not bend. He does not sway. He has his eye on the coveted mustard belt, and goes into a trance, a trance of fucking hotdog eating! Fuuuuuckk!!! His adrenaline is flowing! His blood is pumping through his veins like it was satan himself, on a bicycle pump, who pumped his blood, through is cardiovascular system! "Fucking shit, I will beat this Japanese motherfucker!" he bellows to the world! Birds fly! Oceans roar! Mountains rumble! It is 12 minutes! "Holy fucking shit! I made it! I ate 66 fucking hotdogs with buns! That Japanese fucker only ate 63! I pity him! I pity him like fuck! He is a schoolgirl! He is but a man, and I, I am a God! He is a twig, but I am a tree, a tree from the dawn of man! I am a mountain! Fear me, all fucking living things! I am a demon! 66! The number of the beast (sort of)! I am that beast! Mountains! Forests! Continents! Fear my wrath! I can eat you all! I am the space man! I am the cosmos! I am all things in the universe! The universe is me, and I am God! I am the world's best fucking hotdog eater! I CAN DEVOUR THE WORLD! FEAR MY MIGHTY FUCKING JAWS, BITCHES!! FEAR THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!!"

So yeah. He ended up eating 66 hotdogs. Dude, when you think about it, there is no way I could even eat 66 hotdogs in a week. And he did it in 12 minutes. And the worst thing, he didn't even throw up immediately after eating that crazy load, but he kept it all down, and went on to do like 200 interviews with like, CNN! Wow, man! By the way, the dude in the straw hat and the "Bunettes", a super awkward dancing group, are also in this picture, along with Joey and Kobayashi.


For you, my dear readers, I'll include the other world records of Joey Chestnut, the man-god!

* Waffles: 18.5 Waffles (8 oz.) in 10 minutes at Waffle House in Atlanta, GA, on September 4, 2005.

* Grilled Cheese Sandwiches: 47 sandwiches in 10 minutes at the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas, NV on June 10, 2006.

* Pork Ribs: 8.4 pounds pork rib meat in 12 minutes at Chinook Winds on July 16, 2006.

* Horseshoe Sandwiches: 6 pounds, 5 ounces of horseshoe sandwiches at the Illinois State Fair on August 12, 2006.

* Gyoza: 212 chicken and vegetable gyoza during Nisei Week in Little Tokyo in 10 minutes on August 19, 2006.

* Pulled Pork: 9 pounds, 6 ounces in 10 minutes in Council Bluffs, IA on September 16, 2006.

* Chicken Wings: 182 Wings at Wing Bowl XV in Philadelphia, PA, on February 2, 2007.

* Asparagus: 8.6 pounds of tempura-fried asparagus at the Asparagus Festival in Stockton, CA, on April 28, 2007.

* Chicken Wings: 7.05 pounds of Wings in 12 minutes in New York City on May 21, 2007.

* Hot Dogs: 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes in Coney Island, Brooklyn, NY on July 4, 2007.